Joyful Heart

Father of Life, draw me closer.
Lord, my heart is set on You.
Let me run the race of time with Your Life unfolding mine.
And let the peace of God, Let it reign.

Oh Holy Spirit, You’re my comfort.
Strengthen me.  Hold my head up high.
And I stand upon your truth – bringing glory unto You.
And let the peace of God, Let it reign.

Oh, Lord, I hunger for more of You.
Rise up within me.  Let me know Your Truth.
Oh, Holy Spirit, saturate my soul.
And let the Life of Go fill me now.
Let Your healing power, bring Life and make me whole.
And let the peace of God, Let it reign!

(From Hillsong)

God placed this song in my mind while I was in the waiting room, before my first eye surgery last week.  I was singing it in my mind as they put me to sleep.  It was comforting to me and helped me to focus on Christ and not on the fears that I had felt previously.  When I awoke, I cried tears of joy as I could see things in the distance as I opened my left eye and glanced around the recovery room.  I hadn’t been able to see that far away, without glasses, since the second or third grade!  I was excited as I left the surgery center in the early afternoon that day, but as day turned to night, fears crept back in.

Actually, the week between my first and second eye surgery was filled with emotional ups and downs.  It all started that first night home.  Our 8 month old was crying in the middle of the night again.  My husband went to get her as I started to fill her bottle.  To my surprise, I could no longer see the lines and numbers on the side of the bottle. That one simple task, and not being able to perform it for my baby, brought me to tears that night.  My eye was still quite dilated from the surgery and my husband tried to reassure me that everything would be better and I would be able to see more clearly in the coming days.

The next morning, at my first eye check up after the surgery, my husband and I  both realized that there had been a big misunderstanding.  Before surgery, my ophthalmologist had told us that I would need reading glasses once the surgery was over.  Being in our 30’s and not having any experience with reading glasses, we just (wrongly) assumed that meant I would simply need glasses for reading and no longer for distance.  Well when they removed my clouded lens and implanted a new corrective lens, I lost all of my ability to focus on objects from my hand to my eye.  So, before surgery, if I couldn’t read something, I could get closer or move the object closer to me and I could then see it clearly.  Now, no matter how close I move an object toward me, it doesn’t help.  It can actually make it more blurry!  I was shocked at my new condition.

In my day of despair (which I hate to admit), I told my husband that I felt ‘rendered useless.’  I could take care of myself, mostly.  I could do laundry (since I knew which buttons to push without having to see them), and I could wash dishes (hopefully well enough).  I could also rest and listen to songs and sermons (one bright spot!).  However, I had a long list of things I could no longer do, such as read a book to my child,  view a computer screen, read my watch or any other clocks, read to distinguish my eye drop medications, use the oven or microwave, read and follow a recipe, write lists (which I am always doing =) ), do school with my kids, change any dirty diapers,  fill my baby’s bottle, etc.  Even my baby’s little face was a blur to me when I was holding her!  So, strip a mother of her ability to care for her family and what do you have?   Hmmm…It depends on where her focus is…And thankfully, God changed my focus over the course of the week.

The first day after my surgery, I rested a lot and began listening to a series of talks by a retired missionary named Otto Koning.  The series is called The Pineapple Story.  It took a couple days to be able to listen to all of it, but even after the first talk, God was already convicting me!

I attempted to scribble some notes…
- Surrender your rights.
- Rejoice.  Don’t waste good problems!   (Faith in action)
- Resist the devil.   (Authority in action)
- Pray.  (Dependence in action)
- Love your enemies.   (Forgiveness in action)
- Meditate on Scripture.

And I surrendered….
Lord, Jesus, I surrender my rights to my eyes.  All I have is Yours.  I release my fears to You.  You are in control.  I would prefer to be able to see clearly again, but I want Your Will more.  What do You desire to teach me during this time, Lord?  May I bring glory to you whatever the outcome may be!  Although I feel ‘rendered useless’, help me to rejoice.

And I gave thanks…
Thank You, Lord for allowing my husband to take off time from work to care for me and our family.  You strengthened him to take on all roles, including chef and homeschool teacher.  Thank You for the opportunity to listen to worship songs and sermons.  Thank You for rest.  Thank You that I can see better in the distance now than I ever remember- without my glasses.  Thank You for  allowing me to feel the reality of Your Peace and Presence during this short time of uncertainty.  Thank You for allowing this procedure to be safe and routine in America and that my eyesight may be restored in this day and age.

I am currently typing slowly, taking many breaks.  Things are blurry as I alternate between a temporary pair of reading glasses, pulling them on and off, but I am at least able to do this much!!  There is some uncertainty as to the final outcome of my vision.  Progressive bifocals are most likely in my near future and will have good results.  We’ll have to wait at least a month or so, as my eyes continue to heal, before I can get a prescription.  Until then, I will take it day by day and choose to rejoice in my Savior.  God is good – all the time.

Let the peace of God, let it reign…

In science, our girls recently learned that the roots of a tree intertwine and can actually spread out underground wider than its branches.  Though unseen from above, the roots are important and support the tree.  If for any reason tree roots are damaged, tree health can be put in jeopardy.

Bitterness is a root in our hearts that can grow unnoticed for quite some time.  Eventually, it causes damage to fellowship, grieves the Holy Spirit, and stagnates spiritual growth.

In Carolyn Mahaney’s book, Feminine Appeal, she writes,  “So how do we know if we have become bitter? If we habitually review the offender’s wrong, if we replay the episode over and over in our minds, if we wallow in self pity or withdraw our affection – chances are, we have succumbed to bitterness…”

Ephesians 4:29-32 exhorts us…
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths,
but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs,
that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander,
along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Mahaney explains, “We deal with bitterness by cherishing the experience of being forgiven by God and by forgiving the wrongs committed against us… So instead of dwelling on how we’ve been wronged, let us entreat the Holy Spirit to help us look at the cross.”

Lord Jesus, please help me to show kindness and compassion, to be able to forgive, bearing with others in patience and in love as you have loved and forgiven me.  Turn my eyes upon you and off of myself, entrusting you to change my heart.  Dig up these roots of bitterness.

My response would have probably been a firm ‘No.’   However, I was not the one in position to execute the decision and so I left it up to him.   I heard his voice gently speaking to them.  A little later, I heard the clanking of bowls and spoons.  Some, looking in on this scene, might have said that he had given in to them and that he was showing them that they could get their way when they complain loudly enough. 

But I saw a loving father demonstrating God’s grace in a tangible way.

The loud complaining was a ‘But, Daddy!’ and tears – over something as simple as not being able to have a snack before bed.  A request that is sometimes answered by a yes and at other times, due to the lateness or other circumstances, receives a “No, not tonight.”   Yes, they responded poorly to our answer and should have been disciplined appropriately and not have been able to have a snack.  

And so enters unmerited favor from their daddy.   After talking with the girls and explaining that they should not have a snack becasue of their poor response, he then extends grace by forgoing punishment and allowing them to have a small snack.

This showing of grace points me to Christ and His grace that was extended to us.  May their earthly daddy’s small acts of grace towards them point our little ones’ hearts and minds to their Heavenly Father as well.

For it is by grace you have been saved,
 through faith—and this not from yourselves,
it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. 
Ephesians 2:8-9

All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,
and are justified freely by his grace
through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.   
Romans 3:23-24

How come I don’t seem to realize that I am relying on my own strength, and not on my Lord, until the consequences become so evident in my life that I can’t ignore them?

Our pastor is teaching through the book of Colossians and is stressing the importance of having Jesus at the core of our lives.  (By the way, you can access all of the sermons here!)  A couple weeks ago, he began the sermon by stating, “Life falls apart without Jesus.”   And, oh boy, does it ever.  I do have Jesus in my life.  He is my Lord and Savior.  But, I do not always go about my day dependent on Him.  Here are some real examples of where I am seeing this right now…

• School plans and other family decisions that need to be made feel as if they are looming over me.  I work through different possibilities – but sense fear and trembling. 
• I have child training stresses.  I thought we had addressed these  before and were back on track. 
• I have recurring sin issues.  Why can’t I break the cycle and move past this? 
• And a new sin issue…God recently revealed to me that I have been harboring unkind thoughts and have let bitterness take root in my soul.  I thought I was working through this all right on my own.  

Okay,anyone else notice a pattern here?  A difficulty, that God in His wisdom allows, is brought into my life and I react.  I attempt to do something – on my own.

Our pastor said we should have three confessional cries and I can honestly say that these are three confessional cries breaking forth from my heart to God right now….

1) “I’m dependent on You.”
  I can’t make it on my own and I need God’s help!

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.  I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
(John 15:1-8)

2) “I need Your power.” 
I am inadequate.  I can not rely on my own strength and wisdom. 
I need His!  I need the power of the Holy Spirit working in my life.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses,
so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults,
in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.
For when I am weak, then I am strong. 
(2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

3) “I need You more than anything.”
I need Jesus!

I need you more, more than yesterday.
I need You more, more than words can say.
I need You more than ever before.
I need You Lord. I need You Lord.

I can not fathom how to accomplish school each day with a 1st grader, preschooler, toddler, and infant – BUT Jesus, can.

I can not adequately reach the heart of my children, to raise them up to live for Christ, and to obey His commands – BUT Jesus can.

I can not learn from my mistakes and completely snuff out the sin areas in my life – BUT Jesus can.

I can not cultivate a tenderness and true forgiveness for the person I am holding grudges towards -BUT Jesus can.

It is a foreign concept in our culture, but I must admit that I can NOT do life without Jesus.  I just can’t make it on my own.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart 
and lean not on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him
and He will make your paths straight.
(Proverbs 3:5-6)

Through different situations, God is making me more dependent on Him.  That’s a good thing!   May there be less of me and more of Him as I grow in Christ. 

I have no problem with insects and spiders being outside.  That’s where they belong – in nature.  Let every insect and spider be forewarned, however, that once they crawl into our home they are traveling into dangerous territory! 

We had our lawn service spray the foundations of our home a couple weeks ago – to keep the insects and spiders OUTside.  Well, all this week we have been seeing ants INside on our main floor and up in our bedrooms.  Argh!  The lawn service came back out and reapplied the spray and left a note stating, “Please remember:  This is a barrier treatment.  It not only stops insects trying to come in, but also prevents them from going out…”  So, since the ants were here before they sprayed, they are now stuck inside our home and have no place to go, except up and inside our house.  Just what I wanted to hear =)

So, to eradicate the ant colony(ies) we need to get some ant bait/traps.  (Love, if you are reading this, please stop by and get some ASAP =))  Until then, I have been seen on my hands and knees, squishing the ants, sweeping multiple times, and removing rugs or anything else that would normally be on the floor in the areas where we have spotted the little guys.  I have been doing this so much in fact that one day this week our toddler was calling to me from the basement playroom and asking, “Smoosh ants, Mommy?”  Um, yes.  The kids have even got in on the ‘fun’ of finding them…

You know, I am going to great lengths to make sure we get rid of the ants in our home, but what measures am I willing to take to eradicate the sin areas in my life?  One of the areas that God has recently pointed out to me is my use of time -specifically my time spent on (uh, oh) the computer.  Do I really need to check my email every time I go to the office to get something? Must I check the homeschool forum to see if any additional answers to my question have been added -again?   Do I have to check your blog to see if you have posted any new entries for me to read ?  The answer I am hearing – No! At least not as often as I have been.  Nothing is wrong with these things in and of themselves.  I need to have support and correspondence with other moms, but I also need to set some limits so that I can better manage the affairs of my household.  

Maybe I should place my Bible or a verse to memorize near my computer and read that instead.  Then, I could go read a book to my children, sit on the floor and play a game with them, play cars, etc.   I want to build strong and deep relationships with my children.  That doesn’t just happen by chance.  I have to make my little ones a priority over those times of ‘quick’ checking of my email and what I am discovering are actually a few moments of trying to escape my responsibilities.

Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.
Ephesians 5:15-17